Sometimes It's More
by bookdiva
Summary: Kensi's thoughts starting with her in the SUV and ending after the ambulance scene! I've been waiting for someone to do this, and it just came to me, so I wrote it! Let me know what you think!
1. The Frozen Lake

**_AN: Hey friends! This isn't the story I set out to write, but don't worry! That one will be up, too! I just need to see the promo for 5x11 first. :D So please, enjoy this, and let me know if you want a second chapter about Kensi leaving! _**

* * *

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

Those were the last words I said to him. By now, the static had been constant in my ear for over two minutes.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

But the thing is, sometimes a knife _isn't_ just a knife. I was scared—scared in a way that I'd never been before. Because my walls were useless against Deeks. They might as well be made of glass with how easily he shattered them.

"He's been dark for awhile," Callen's voice snapped me out of my trance.

"We knew this building had problems," Sam responded rationally. But it wasn't Sam's partner inside. No, it wasn't Sam's wife inside.

_That's a more accurate analogy,_ I decided.

I pressed my hand to my coms, desperately trying to hear something—anything—that would tell me my partner was alive, or even that he needed my help. Anything.

But the static just continued. I decided, right then and there, that static was my new, least favorite sound in the world.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

Those were the last words I'd said to him. He could be dying in there, something could go horribly wrong, and those would be the last words he ever heard from me.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

But, then, sometimes a knife isn't just a knife. Sometimes it's my heart. And that was what I'd really given him.

_Why couldn't I tell him that? _I wondered. _I was after him to say what he really means, but I can't do the same thing. _

_I will,_ I vowed. Sitting in the back seat of the SUV, worry clouding my mind and heart, I realized that our thing had to work. Because stopping it wasn't going to take away the feelings.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. And sometimes it's my heart. _

"Eric?" Callen called, breaking the silence.

"The signal's on full boost. There's nothing we can do," Eric's voice came through in my ear.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

_Go._

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

_Go!_

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

_GO!_

"Lotsa guns inside that place," Sam commented. My mind was still spinning, and my gut was telling me to get in there NOW. "We go in, we're going in big."

"Let's let it play out for another sixty seconds," Callen decided. "Then we breach."

_No!_

Something inside me was telling me I needed to get in there as soon as possible.

"Clear?" he asked, looking back at me.

I opened my mouth to respond the way I should. Nothing came out.

"Kensi?" Sam said, a note of warning in his voice. I turned my head toward the sound, but still nothing would come out of my mouth.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

I fought it for another moment before I couldn't ignore it any longer. I shook my head at myself, opened the door, and bolted across the street before I'd even processed what I was doing.

I was so focused on getting to Deeks that I didn't even know Sam and Callen had followed me until I heard Sam shout,

"Federal Agents!" and shoot a man behind me.

I didn't stop, I didn't turn, and I didn't even think. I just pressed forward, recalling the blueprints from memory. I was in the fatal funnel, when I couldn't stop myself anymore.

"Deeks!"

I heard a gun shot from behind a half-open, and immediately my mind went to the worst-case scenario. I kicked open the door and shot the man on the inside.

As I turned my head, looking for my partner, I felt a bullet whiz by my head. I instinctively followed it and saw hit a woman behind me who held a gun, still pointed at my head.

I looked back and saw my saw my partner, hand on a gun that was still in the hands of a dead man. I looked back at the wall, then to my partner again.

"Are you crazy?" I asked, but I couldn't keep the relief out of my voice. "You almost took my head off! Who takes that shot?"

But what I really meant was, _You took the shot. _

It meant there was still hope for us. We could be partners and still have our… _thing_.

He just sent me a terse look and said, "Took you long enough."

His voice was slightly hard, and I couldn't blame him. I was so overwhelmed with my emotions at the moment that I sure I was sending out crazy mixed signals. This morning I was yelling at him for _not_ taking the shot, and here I was now, yelling at him for _taking_ the shot.

He walked over to the man, who I now noticed was hanging from a meat hook.

"Stay with me Thappa." And then he was out the door with Thappa in a fireman's carry, and Sam and Callen were entering, giving me knowing, slightly reproachful looks.

I sighed, knowing what was coming.

"I owe you guys an apology," I said, trying to cut off the lecture before it could begin. "Sorry."

But really, I wasn't. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

"Tell me you secured that thumb drive, we're gonna forget about it," Callen said.

_Damn it, the thumb drive! _

I'd completely forgotten about the thumb drive in my worry over Deeks's safety. I felt a new panic well in my chest, and it spilled over into babble.

"I don't have it."

"Well, who has it?" Sam asked, looking frustrated. "Deeks?"

"Um, no. I mean, he would have said if he had it, right? But I—" I paused to pull myself together. "Okay, there's no way the Gerk held on to it, so it's gotta be here somewhere. I will find it," I said, leaning down to search the man who's gun Deeks had just fired.

While I searched, my mind went wild.

If I can't find the thumb drive, will Callen split Deeks and me up? Will Deeks forgive me for this morning? Can I really talk about our thing? How am I going to—

"Kensi?" Sam's voice cut through my hectic thoughts. I looked up and stopped looking through the dead man's jacket. Sam waved a thumb drive. "Apology accepted."

I sighed in relief. Everything had worked out, and I'd have the chance to talk to Deeks.

My intentions must have shown on my face, because Callen nodded at me.

"Go be with your partner," he said. I didn't need to be told twice. I immediately unstrapped my gun and walked out the door. When I exited the shop, I saw my partner standing by the back of the ambulance.

I squared my shoulders and walked towards him. When he saw me, he walked toward me.

"He lost a lotta blood, but he'll live. Gherkas, believe the hype."

I smiled at this, and took a deep breath.

"Deeks, I—"

"I'm gonna go with him to the hospital," he cut me off, looking away from me, and turning to walk away.

"No! Hey, whoa, whoa wait!" I said, grabbing his arm and turning him around to face me. I could see in his eyes that he was dreading whatever he thought I was going to say.

_He thinks I'll blame him for my reaction, _I realized. I couldn't let him go without saying what I really meant, no matter how hard it was.

"Let me just—I just wanna tell you something."

Now he really looked panicked. I smiled as I realized that what I was about to say was going to surprise him.

"Yeah?" he asked, shifting back and forth, not meeting my gaze directly.

"We're gonna figure this out."

He froze, not expecting that to come from me. I didn't blame him, but I couldn't think about my past miscommunications. Right now, I just pushed ahead.

"All we gotta do is talk about it," I continued, smiling at him.

He smiled back. "Okay, but you don't really like talking _about_ it."

"Well, yeah, but I promise I'll be better at talking about _this_," I reassured him quickly. My voice sounded slightly desperate, even to my ears.

His smile was cocky and contagious and disarming, and I knew what was coming.

"What do you mean by _this_?"

I knew it was coming, and I took a deep breath.

_I can do this. _

"_This_…" I said significantly, nodding my head for him to fill in the blank. When he didn't nod, or give any indication, I continued, "You know…"

"This _thing_?" he asked, a slightly cocky, slightly amused, slightly elated half smile on his face.

This was it. This was my moment of truth. I looked down. I looked at the ambulance. I looked everywhere but at Deeks.

"Yes…" I said, dragging out the word.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. _

Those couldn't be the only words I ever said about it. I had to get this out.

"Our… _thing_."

When I finally looked up at him, he was full on grinning.

"I'm sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I just, I didn't hear you because there were so many people walking by. If you could maybe say it again… louder. Just for me. Just once, just say it for _me_."

I looked at him and shook my head, affection making my voice soft.

"I hate you." _I love you._

It was as close to the words as I could say at the moment.

His answering grin and chuckle told me he knew what I really meant.

"You don't," he said grinning and shaking his head with a mischievous glint in his ocean blue eyes. "You don't. You don't hate me."

I could see in his eyes, the flash backs to last night.

"Our thing," I repeated, stronger this time. Saying it again didn't feel strange. It wasn't hard or forced. It was right.

"Wow," he whispered reverently. I was expecting some quip about how he'd like to record that and use it as his ringtone, but he just rocked back on his heels. I could tell that my words had hit him in his core, and he knew what I meant.

His answering look said more than any words could have.

"You have to promise me something, too though," I continued.

"Anything," he said, without hesitation.

I smiled at that.

"Promise you'll be patient with me?" I asked, hating the twinge of uncertainty that I heard in my own voice.

His eyes immediately erased all doubt, though. He opened his mouth to speak, but the ambulance driver came up to us.

"Yo, gotta roll."

"See you tonight?" I asked, trying not to sound desperate, but the thought of a night without him was already… undesirable to say the least.

_Besides, I want that ice cream,_ I told myself. I smiled as I immediately heard in my mind all the quips Deeks would come up with about _dessert_.

"Yeah," his heartfelt agreement snapped me out of it, and I could tell he meant it for more than just tonight.

He walked toward the ambulance, and I couldn't help but watch him. Before he got in, he tuned and called back to me,

"Can you do me a… favor, Fern?"

"Anything," I responded immediately. Then slightly regretted it at the look on his face.

"Can you burn that shirt for me?" he asked. I closed my eyes against the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me and smiled.

That was my partner, being patient. He was lightening the mood, telling me that he'd always be the Deeks I would always need.

I nodded infinitesimally, and he grinned back at me.

_Sometimes a knife is just a knife. But sometimes it's more. _


	2. Iron Curtain Rising

_**AN: Wow. This is a first. Bad ass—well, you all know me as bookdiva—so bad ass bookdiva (Hehe, that sounds funny) actually cried at the ending scene. (For those of you who know my name, laugh it up! That was just for you!) I thought I was going to be playing episode 10 Densi moments over and over through out the hiatus, but I gotta tell you… that ending scene?! Wow. **_

_**So, please enjoy the product of my sleepless night. I'm sure the second chapter of Do Not Run will be up this week, but I also have finals, so I'm not sure… **_

_**Blessings,**_

_**(bad ass) bookdiva**_

* * *

_I did it_, I thought to myself as I sat at my desk, not doing paperwork, simply waiting for Deeks to return. _I communicated. This… this is going to work._

I smiled at the lightness I felt—I hadn't felt this light since before… before Monica.

"You waiting for Deeks?" Callen asked.

"Yeah," I said, shrugging as casually as I could.

"Pack your things, Agent Blye," my least favorite voice startled me. I instinctively felt that something was off.

"Excuse me?" I managed to hide my internal panic but not my surprise.

"There's a C-130 waiting for you. You've been reassigned."

And just like that, my sense of lightness from before

"Reassigned…?" _No. This is a mistake. It—it _has_ to be a mistake. _

I glanced at my team leader, but Callen had a rare look of surprise on his face. Then I saw Hetty coming into the bullpen.

"Hetty," I said, relieved that someone who was in my corner was here to back me up. "Assistant Director Granger says I've been… _reassigned_," I said. The word felt dirty coming out of my mouth.

"That's correct," she said, handing me a shirt. I felt my mouth go dry and my stomach gather into knots. "You'll be needing a clean shirt, Ms. Blye."

I ignored my humiliation at her insinuation in front of Sam, Callen, and Granger.

_I can't leave Deeks. Not right now. Not… _now_. I can't..._

"Why is he doing that?"

_What does Granger have against me? I thought we put this behind us…_

"He's not," Hetty said. "I am."

_Hetty? How could she—_

"When will I be back?" I asked, looking down to get ahold of my emotions.

_They've already caused enough trouble for one day,_ I berated myself. I let out a self-depreciating sigh. _I punched Deeks for much, much less. Oh, god! _I realized.

"When the job's done."

In that moment, I hated Hetty. I hated her sage replies, her knowing head tilts, and her mothering ways. But most of all, I hated that I still trusted her.

"Let's move, Agent Blye," Granger said, turning to walk away.

_This can't be the end. I'll finish and come back. One job. I can do this. I can—_

My phone buzzed, cutting off my thoughts.

_**I'm almost there. -Deeks**_

I set my phone down and closed my eyes briefly.

_I have to go. Now. If I see Deeks… _But I couldn't bear to finish that thought. So, with one last look at Callen and Sam that I hoped conveyed _"Take care of my partner" _I was following Granger out of OSP.

* * *

I came in from the cold and looked around the bunker to see everyone pretending not to stare at me. I lifted my chin and strode forward.

_The faster you do this, the faster you get home to Deeks,_ I reminded myself.

"Can I help you?" a woman in a red shirt and vest asked.

"Yeah, I'm Kensi Blye," I said, reaching out to shake her hand.

"Rachel Harris," she said, looking slightly confused. "Are you looking for someone?"

Now I was confused.

"I was told to report here."

"Uh… okay, by who?" she asked, looking down at the folder in her hand.

"Assistant Director Granger and my operations manager Hetty Lang," I answered. That got her to look up.

"You work for Hetty?" she sounded surprised. I should've known dropping Hetty's name would get results.

"Yeah," I said.

"What's that like?"

_At the moment? _ I thought tersely. _Probably not looking for an honest answer. _

"It's interesting," I managed to reply steadily.

"I bet," Rachel Harris said, looking down again. But she wasn't ignoring me this time. "So, do you know what your assignment is?"

"No," I replied, short and to the point.

"Well, that makes two of us." She didn't sound too pleased at the concept. Neither was I.

"Anyone here get a heads up on the arrival of Special Agent…" she trailed off and looked to me in question.

"Blye."

"Blye." She nodded at me.

No one else seemed to know anything, either.

"Am I about to be replaced?"Agent Harris had asked me. I felt a twinge of dread at the thought.

_But Hetty wouldn't…. _I couldn't finish the thought. I realized that I really didn't know what Hetty would and would not do anymore.

"I don't think so," I said immediately. "I have a partner and ongoing cases in Los Angeles." I said the part about the ongoing cases as an after thought, because what really mattered about Los Angeles was my partner.

"Alright, well…" she gestured around the bunker. "Make yourself at home, and I will try and figure out what is going on."

I nodded at her.

"Okay, thanks," I said to her back as she walked away.

_Make myself at home. _I wanted to laugh. Somewhere in the last four years, home had become blue eyes, blonde hair, a scruffy mutt, and bad Chinese takeout.

* * *

Forty-eight hours later, I was in Afghanistan, throwing knives at a target. It hit center of the throat time and time again, and I could just imagine the quip Deeks would come up with about my anger issues. At the thought of my partner, I couldn't help but let my mind go back to the last time I'd stood at a target throwing knives. It was a moment I'd never forget.

_"I'm standing on my Frozen Lake," _I'd said. But I knew Deeks heard what I really meant. _"You're my Frozen Lake. You're what I want most in the world."_

_He knows,_ I told myself. _He _always_ knows._

I wondered how he was handling everything. His nightmares had been better since I'd been staying with him, but they still happened. The night we'd…

_That was the first night he went without them completely,_ I realized. I went back to the target, retrieved my knives, then paced back out.

_Enough, Kensi,_ I chastised myself. _Focus on the mission. Focus on getting the job done. Focus on getting… home. _

I refrained from even thinking his name, lest I get distracted. Instead, I thought about the less-than-warm greeting I'd received this morning.

A humvee pulling up behind me pulled me back to my present predicament.

I wasn't really surprised to see Granger get out.

"Hey I didn't know you were here," I said, hoping I'd finally get some answers. Answers mean _doing_ the job, doing the job means _finishing_ the job, and finishing the job means going _home_.

"I'm not." I nodded at the predictability. This was, after all, a _classified _mission.

"Does that mean I'm not here, either?" I couldn't help the snark that snuck its way into my tone.

"What do you think?"

I smiled tightly and nodded. "Okay. So maybe you can tell me why I'm _not _here. Since no one else seems to know."

He smiled at me in a way that made me want to deck him—rank be damned— and gestured to the humvee.

"C'mon."

He opened the back and took out a sniper rifle. I looked down at it and immediately shook my head.

"That isn't mine."

"It is now," he returned. Understanding griped me.

"What's the target?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

"The locals call him 'Spiene Paree' _**(AN: Spelling, I have no idea here)**_ the white ghost. We don't know who he is, or where he's from, but we think he's a westerner who's working with the Taliban."

"American?" I asked, unable to hide my shock. _I'm supposed to assassinate an American citizen? _

"Maybe," Granger deflected. "It's possible he's a private contractor that went native. Used to be that we thought it was disinformation or tribal legend, but the insurgents have been employing advanced combat tactics, and someone's been teaching them."

"You want me to find him?" I asked, in a vain hope that I wouldn't have to kill an American Taliban member.

"No," Granger said, looking down and shaking his head at my question. "Task force is gonna find him. You're gonna kill him."

* * *

"How is it?" My least favorite voice once again interrupted my thoughts.

"I feel like the new kid," I said, not answering the question I knew he had been asking.

"No, I meant the rifle."

_How was my dad friends with this guy?_ I couldn't help but wonder. I looked over at him with my patented Kensi Blye glare.

"Oh. Rifle's fine. It'll do the job." The job that I wasn't sure I wanted to do.

_But if it gets me _home_… Anything. _

"Do the others know about my assignment?" I asked after a brief pause. Even three years ago, I wouldn't have asked.

"Well unless they're complete idiots, they should've gotten a pretty good idea once you started carrying that cannon around." His tone was disapproving, but I couldn't care less.

"Well I feel like they resent me being here."

"Why would they?" he asked. "And even if they do, so what?"

"Well some of us don't relish being disliked." He just tilted his head, almost amused, and it only served to feed my anger.

"Let's focus on the mission, Miss Congeniality." He turned and walked away. It was only then that I noticed the other agents in the bunker looking at me curiously. I just ignored them and went back to my thoughts, cleaning the rifle.

* * *

I'd finally called it a night. I'd need my sleep if I was going to get this mission over with.

I closed my eyes, but my bunk felt incredibly empty without my partner beside me. I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep. With a sigh, I reached up and turned the light back on. I reached over and grabbed my phone.

Scrolling through, I spent the next half hour looking at all the memories.

When I hit the pictures I had from Deeks's trip to Jordan, I smiled. I'd give anything to have him next to me right now, talking my ear off about the pictures. I'd sit and listen to him babble on for hours if I could just be in his arms. After a month of laying beside him every night to sleep, and one night of something more, I felt the emptiness of my bunk acutely.

Finally, I landed on a picture of the whole team after an impromptu two-on-two match. I remembered the day with a fond smile. All four of us were in the picture, but Deeks and I were in the middle.

I couldn't help it. I zoomed in on the two of us, bringing his smiling, ocean-blue eyes closer to me. He was grinning, his hair was tousled, and his arm was slung casually around my shoulder. I fit in there perfectly.

I stared at it for a moment before powering down my phone to conserve battery. I looked at my watch.

_Morning will come sooner than you think,_ I reminded myself. But when I turned off the light, my mind went back the memory of a perfect life.

_"You know, I actually thought I'd hate it here. A family… kids running around… happily-married-couple thing. It's actually kinda comforting. And it is nice to have someone to say 'goodnight' to at the end of the day."_

The thought of his eyes as he'd gazed back at me in that moment brought a small smile to my lips.

"Good night, Deeks."

* * *

_**I know you had to wait awhile, but this is in canon, so ENJOY! (And leave a lovely review?)**_


End file.
